TURD ALERT!

When a film has not even one visually interesting moment that might've been put on the DVD box, it's wise to use a painting instead of a still.

There is nothing in Alone in the Dark (2004) that is as appealing as the box it comes in. The painting looks like one of Giger's designs for Alien (1979) instead of anything encountered in this awful film.

Alone in the Dark started out as a so-so cheapy horror film cribbing from X-Files & what-not, with Christian Slater playing a Fox Mulder type investigating the supernatural.

Ex-child star Tara Reid as the Dana Scully character unfortunately comes off like a porn star who mistook Z-horror as a step upward from her usual roles.

As soon as the incoherent story added the military element, it was all only about shooting cartoony CGI monster-dogs & their zombie cohorts, pure video-game movie with no story getting in the way.

This was very soon boring as all get-out & remained so to the end. Watching some ten year kid old playing the actual video game for an hour & a half would undoubtedly be more entertaining.

Christian Slater must have been getting desperate for work, having had some serious problems with drugs, sabotaging his own career. Otherwise this would've starred unknowns with names like Schnob Dewfart & Candi Slimbooty.

EVEN BIGGER TURD ALERT!

A bad movie like Alone in the Dark really ought to be the lowest movies come. Alas, there is always something worse than awful. Divine Intervention (2007) opens with in-your-face sexploitation action even before we know anything about the storyline, the characters, anything; not that there'll ever be much to know.

A redneck named Doyle (played by the director) is a peeper who interrupts the screwing in the car in the woods. He insults the girl, arranges a meeting for later with the guy to sell him some pot, then the boyfriend & girlfriend drive away their entire purpose in the film having now been spent.

From out of the woods steps Steve (Vic Clay, best known for his role in, well, nothing, just stuff as bad as this). He wears a cowled robe, thinks he's some kind of priest, & he's slowly loading his crossbow. Following instructions he believes he receives from God, he tortures & kills Doyle, who dies farting.

Steve's a religious psycho on the cusp of a killing spree. That's pretty much the whole plot. Two guys & two gals are introduced for the sake of sex & as potential victims. The dialogue is massively awful, & whatever characterization these would-be actors manage to be wring out of script just convinces you you wouldn't want any of them left alone with your possessions.

The one unique thing about this film is the key victims are men, though there are girls for optional killing who survive. Since slashers this bad are almost always about writers/directors manifesting aspects of their own misogyny, gotta give credit where credit is due, this one lacks the usual raison d'etre of wacking off to tortured girls.

Otherwise it's basically terrible acting, very bad staging, crummy videography, drugs & ugly sex, & getting threatened & sometimes killed for being sinful. Finally two of the assinine boys, badly injured & unable to do much more than smoke another joint, manage to rig up some explosives suicidally take down the psycho religious freak.

Their plan succeeds & the story's done. Except there's a "never mind!" coda in which the psycho is perfectly all right, may God preserve us from a sequel. The worst microbudget Z movies are generally bad & boring, but rarely this boring.

copyright © by Paghat the Ratgirl