TURD ALERTS!

Occasionally a movie is so unbelievably bad I have to wonder if it was made by twelve year olds, as surely no adult, not even teenagers, could be so immature & void of even the slightest skill.

Indeed, I sometimes feel I shouldn't review a film when it gets that bad, as I might be picking on someone who is mentally handicapped, & it would be cruel to laugh at their failures.

On the other hand, when films find distribution when they in no way merit being seen, & thereby rip off the public, no degree of pity for the talentless can outweigh their theft of the public's time & money via lying advertisements.

Written & directed by, as well as starring Sean Gallimore, he looks rather too old to be forgiven on the basis of his age, & he'd be a good deal older now.

The primary shoot was done in 1995 & it sat around for almost a decade before it got bottom-of-the-barrel distribution in packages of microbudget movies at deep discount, namely in Brutal Bloodsuckers: 6 Movie Pack (2006), & Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares: 50 Pack (2008), none more decrepit than Vampire Hunter. If you can find the original 2004 video release, you've got yourself a rarity of no value to anyone.

The film aspires to be a martial arts vampire film. Since the fight choreography is as bad as the acting, the photography, & the childish vampire make-up, it fails miserably at even its low intent.

The "best" martial moves are those which feature our craggy crappy hero standing all by himself doing karate chops or twirling nunchuks or posturing like some kung-fu-faggot in front of a mirror at a ghetto dojo.

Whenever a second person is in the shot to make it look like a fight, the collective unutterable lack of martial skill is all to evident -- to anyone but their deluded selves -- & what they know about cinematic fight choreography is zip.

If this infantile movie was made, as seems likely, to represent the director/star's martial skills so he could score work in real movies, it's no wonder we haven't seen him in much in twenty years of never giving up.

Tragically it all comes off as the Gallimore's personal narcisistic masturbation fantasy of being so scary-butch that even super-powered vampires are frightened at the very sight of his steely thews. And while the worse-than-home-movie values might've been sufficient for the writer-director-star to wack off in private to images of himself taken by himself, I can't imagine anyone else finding any of it anything but moronic.

Continue to:
Vampire Conspiracy (2005)

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